Last Flight Out
by Fall
Summary: When Trowa loses his memory, he thought it was the only thing that he needed to get back. However, when Heero appears, Trowa realizes that it's much more than that.


Last Flight Out by Fall

Title: Last Flight Out   
Author: Fall [fall_yuy@hotmail.com][1]  
Archive: I'd love to be archived by anyone, just please let me know. Basically I'm archived here: A GW Love Affair [http://www.geocities.com/agwloveaffair/][2]  
Pairings: 3+4/4+3, 3+1  
Category: Angst, sap, songfic, Trowa's POV  
Warnings: Some spoilers.   
Disclaimer: The song, "Last Flight Out" belongs to Plus One. I don't own the characters -- just doin' this for fun ^o^  
Author's Notes: For several weeks now .:yes, *weeks*!:., Archangel had been imposing the song to me, which isn't, by the way, a favorite of either hers or mine. It just so happened she had this idea of clinching it with Heero & Trowa, and went to me for writing purposes. So the following songfic is dedicated to her .:and she just adores it when Trowa comes first:. This is my first songfic, so if ever you feel like flaming me...er, just don't.^^;;;

I kinda made some fixing on the way the lyrics mix with my fic, to make it more like fit each other. And oh yeah, I know nothing of what you call the sections in Peacemillion .:or any other spaceship, for the matter:. o_0 I just made up my own descriptions and references, and even borrowed some terms from other ficcies .:without knowing what a word means:. ^o^ So just ignore any screw ups, and if you want, you could imaginarily pat me on the head pityingly while giving me a patronized look^^;;;

One last note, this fic was inspired by Ari-chan's fic, "Sorrow", though I made them have a rather sweet ending^v^ And Duo's a really nice best friend, ne?^_~  
  
C & Cs are absolutely welcome; flames would be stored for use in winter.

~~ --lyrics-- ~~

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"Last Flight Out"  
by Fall

~~ I'm so scared that you will see   
All the weakness inside of me ~~

_Heero Yuy..._the name kept on reverberating through my senses. I've gotten my first glimpse of him on the hangar, when Quatre and the others ran to him as he entered the premises. I merely followed out of curiosity, since I remember nothing of the boy in a green tank top, and spandex shorts, with tousled dark brown hair. They looked especially glad to see him alive, and I understood nothing of what Duo was chattering about. I just stood and observed him silently. They said he was another gundam pilot, Pilot 01. Another person in my past that I'm supposed to have been on speaking terms with.

Then he turned to me. 

"Trowa Barton." For the first time I noticed that he had Prussian blue eyes; the kind that sends chills through your body because of its extreme coldness, yet I felt perfectly at ease with his gaze. Strange, but it even feels warm.

"I'm sorry. I do not know you."

"Heero, Trowa had amnesia after the you-know-what." Duo offered, as he waved his hand to signify what he couldn't say in words. I think he's a pretty understanding friend, for Quatre seems to quake from any allusion to my blasted "tragedy".

"Hn." He shifted his gaze back to me. I had this vague feeling that if ever -- no, make that when -- I met him before, whatever we've shared must have been pretty deep. And his eyes had such a hold on me that I couldn't decipher what.

Maybe if I wasn't aware of his Perfect Soldier status, I would have asked him what he thought of me before. I wanted to know who I was in his eyes, what I'd been in his standards. But I had this oppressing feeling that he would not like any such things. That he considered my lack of past memories as an inefficiency. A weakness.

~~ I'm so scared of letting go   
That the pain I've hid will show ~~

I would have retired to my room, if Heavyarms hadn't been mentioned. Now, I don't remember anything about gundams, nor being about its pilot. All I do know is that somehow, my training seems to be deeply rooted in me and I could rely on it anytime. 

I thought that maybe spending some time with it, just studying everything in the cockpit, would trigger some vague, but welcome memories. 

This is harder than I thought. I couldn't evoke any reaction from running my fingers through the main controls, the hand controls, the --- I started rather abruptly when my fingers ran over a certain red button. Funny, but I seem to remember some words spoken about that. _"When you ran out of ammunition, press the red button on the left side of the main panel. It'll make your load lighter."_

I frowned. All I can remember is that and a certain pair of blue eyes, just like ---

"Trowa."

I took half my body out of the cockpit. He must have been wondering what the hell I was doing, leaning over cockpits and running my fingers over all the controls, just like that. "What is it, Yuy?" I meant to say Heero, though it came out like that. And I haven't meant it to be in a cold damn way.

"You're looking for pieces of your memory in a cockpit." He really had a way with words. If it had been Duo, I'll take that as a joke, same with Quatre. But this was Heero Yuy. He made it sound like a statement.

"I have to piece it back as soon as possible."

"You don't remember a thing with Heavyarms?"

That made me look at him squarely. What does he think he's doing? I don't remember Quatre mentioning that Heero has a tendency to ridicule one's weaknesses. 

"I don't remember things, but I did remember words." And eyes, I would have added. He was the owner of the blue eyes that accompanied my recent recollection.

"Such as?" He asked in a softer tone. 

I was surprised. I could only say, "The red button in the panel."

He repeated softly the words I'd just remembered. Word per word. My voice slightly trembled when I asked, almost inaudibly, "Who said that?"

"You."

I said that? "To whom?" I asked, though I knew perfectly well to whom.

"Me."

I didn't answer back. Instead, I looked away. I don't know, but hearing his soft tones made me feel as if he felt pain in my loss of memory. As if he felt more pain than I do in this state. 

"I don't remember." I said coldly. It was like that when I feel the need to hide my emotions. It was like I have a mask before, whither I could seek refuge when unsure.

Something clouded his features. Pain? "No you don't." No, it couldn't have been. Maybe it was a trick of light. It *is* dark in here.

"I need to go." That and he walked straight out of the place, leaving me to brood over some facts he'd left scattered.

~~ I know you want to hear me speak   
But I'm afraid that if I start to   
I'll never stop ~~

We never spoke after that. Whenever we were in the same vicinity, I would just assume passiveness. At times, I affected to read, or be engaged in chess matches between Duo and Wufei (I was so into it, that at one point, I took Duo's place and beat Wufei, 5 games to 4. Not bad.) There are times I would just sit and reflect in my room, either alone or with Quatre.

Quatre. My sweet little angel. He looks troubled by the changes he'd seen in me since the day Heero Yuy arrived at Peacemillion. He never mentioned them to me, but one does not need to be intimate with Quatre to know that he's troubled over someone else's welfare. When I inquire of his troubles, he would only smile and shake his head.

When first we met back on L3 at the circus, he'd been so good to me and so affectionate, that when he confessed that he loved me, I thought I did love him back too. It was as if it was the most perfect arrangement; that at last some things fell into place, as I believe we'd loved each other even before. When we came to Peacemillion, there was nobody who seemed disconcerted with our relationship. Though Duo did jump and pulled Quatre away for a few minutes of silent discussion.

Now ever since Heero came, I wasn't sure if I'd been right after all. 

Things changed in the scenes. Everyone looked extremely uneasy whenever Quatre, Heero, and I are in the same room. It was like they were expecting a missile to go and explode right before their eyes. I did not understand anything, till I overheard Duo telling Quatre something in a brisk tone.

And that made me even more distant with Heero.

~~ I want you to know   
You belong in my life   
I love the hope   
I see in your eyes ~~

The day I overheard Duo telling Quatre that he's unconsciously hurting Heero was one hellish day. I had wanted to ask Quatre to help me do some repairs with Heavyarms, and Wufei said he saw him back in the lounge. I never imagined that I would find the answers I seek there at the damned place. 

They were in the hall outside, trying to talk in lowered voices. Instinct told me that it's not polite to eavesdrop on other's affairs, and I would have come away as quietly as I'd come if Duo's next words hadn't arrested me.

"I'm really sorry Quatre, but we absolutely *have* to tell Trowa the truth," Duo was saying in a tone that I've never heard from him before. Not that I remember all of them. "I know it's not easy, but heck, my best friend's hurting silently and Trowa will not like this when he remembers everything."

"I'm sorry! I never knew that..." Quatre was sobbing. He was actually crying, but it was a silent one that if his voice hadn't trembled, I wouldn't know it at all. 

I decided to stay and listen, though I know it's wrong, both morally and ethically...I wanted to know what the hell they're talking about. And judging from their tones, it isn't anything I'd want to ponder on with this blank memory and all.

"Quatre," there's gravity in Duo's voice. "Heero will never tell Trowa what they'd been before he lost his memory. He isn't one to ruin one's ideas when he sees him contented with another. But I do know how troubled he is, he never tells me, but I see them."

"If only I'd known...I wouldn't have done this..." Quatre was faltering. "...No I didn't mean to do this...But I do love Trowa..."

"I know." Duo said gently. "And Heero loves him too. If Trowa decides he loves you more than he does Heero...then I can't do anything about it."

"But what if..." Quatre sputtered, his voice quivering.

"That's for Trowa to decide." Duo forced a smile, which was the first time I saw him do that, and I swear that my instincts told me it really *was* the first time. "The only thing I'm asking is for you to tell him that he had a place in Heero's heart, even before with you. And let him decide. I'm sure Heero will let him be happy which way he chooses."

That was the last word that I heard, for I precipitately backed out and headed for my room. As if on cue, halfway there, I met Heero. He never uttered a word. He just looked at me with the split second sorrowful look he'd given me all this time, and then it was gone. Just like that. His Prussian blue eyes were very adept in transition.

I wanted to tell him that I know the truth behind his silent pleas; that the change he'd done to my world was a thing that delighted my soul; that his eyes haunted me both in waking hours and in repose. That he made me neglect Quatre and dream of him surrendering to me in the most passionate way, loving every stroke I gave him, crying out my name in utmost passion...

But I never did. How am I supposed to tell all this to someone whose love I don't even remember? I'll only hurt him more deeply than when it was unintended.

~~ For you I would fly   
At least I would try   
For you I'll take   
The last flight out ~~

Catherine. My dearest, sweetest sister would have told me the answers to my questions. I was on the verge of my sanity. I still wasn't told about the truth that Quatre and Duo had wanted to tell me. I even tried Wufei, whom I know from latest experience, won't allow any injustice to the oppressed. But my efforts proved to be futile, for even he won't tell me anything.

Quatre was going about in a detached air; Duo was pretending that there's nothing wrong; Wufei never speaks a word; and Heero was nowhere to be found. I decided to prove myself useful around here --- work is a good way to drown out any unnecessary thoughts.

Upon entering the control room, however, I found the one person I wasn't too excited to meet. Heero. Up to now, I still have no idea what to tell him. A part of me wanted to run to him and tell him that I know, and part of me wanted to wait till everything has been cleared. In my case, that would be when I remember *everything*.

Then I saw it. My dearest sister was on Colony L3 --- the current target of an OZ attack. I saw her on the monitor, and I guess blood *is* thicker than water, so even though I'm against on using any mobile suit as long as I don't remember, I hastily took leave of the room. I have to save my sister.

Heero was leaning by the doorframe, and he never stopped me. Noin was doing the opposite, pleading with me to reconsider, but Heero only looked at me steadily and said, "You can use Wing Zero."

I never thanked him I think. But I did go and use his Wing Zero.

~~ I'm afraid that   
You will leave  
As my secrets  
Have been revealed ~~

I remember! I remember everything! These words chanted themselves over and over in my mind as I ran in search of Heero. They were all delighted at my full recovery, even Quatre, though he started to cry. I'll talk to him later and explain, but first, I have to tell Heero that I *remember*.

At last, I found him in the lounge. He was there by the glass, looking out into the galaxy outside. 

"Heero." I said softly, more out of breath, than out of anything else. '"I remember."

"I know." He moved away from the glass and went to face me. "I hoped you would."

I felt like smiling. Which I did. "You knew."

"Just a hunch." He looked at me, as he brushed the hair away from my eyes. "And it worked." 

"Yes." I murmured, as I leaned to claim what I'd denied myself for so long. 

I never got it. My necklace caught some light and he saw it. Quatre's necklace, to be exact. Then he pushed me away.

"Quatre." Was all he said. 

I didn't get it at first. I forced myself on him a second time.

He pushed me more roughly than the first. "We can't." He said, in a faraway tone. "You have Quatre."

Then it dawned on me. He knows that I've been with Quatre all this time. And he doesn't like to get in the middle of things. For all his coldness, he would never hurt a friend intentionally. 

"I know he'll understand when I tell him so."

He only looked at me with that sorrowful look. "Are you sure that it's me you love? Don't you just think it because it was what *had* been before? You've got a new life now, Trowa."

I was struck with that. Suddenly, I didn't know what to think. I say I love Heero now, because I remember, but did I *ever* had the vague feeling of loving him when first I saw him? No. I loved him when I heard from the others that it was *what* was *before*. When I knew it *was* him.

He abruptly pulled himself away from me and headed for the door. The last word he said was, "I forgive you."

And that was it.

~~ In my dreams   
You'll always stay   
Every breathing moment from now ~~

For several days, I went in a completely broken manner. I've found my love and had lost it again just as soon as I'd found it. I never broke up with Quatre; there isn't any reason to do it anyway, and I'll only cause more disturbances. 

Everyone acted as if they knew nothing. They spoke to me about Heero quite naturally, and we could stay in one room without causing a stir. I got on as best as I could, falling back on my usual resources, and faring quite normally.

But I wasn't at peace with my heart. I wouldn't be, 'til I proved to myself that I am worthy of Heero's love, 'til I could find a solution without hurting others.

For the first time, I felt what he might have felt when I was the amnesia-stricken Trowa, loving someone, yet cannot approach him, for fear of not being the one he chooses. Lately, I heard Noin discussing plans with Heero of finding that bitch Relena and rescuing her if necessary. I knew their story: Relena met Heero when he'd first crashed into earth, and since then, she'd been constantly stalking him everywhere and acts as if she owns him. I experienced one. It was in Siberia, and Heero was fighting off Zechs Marquise in Heavyarms, when she suddenly popped into the secluded place, in her very own aircraft. I shuddered from the thought. 

Anxiously, I waited for Heero to come back. He left without warning, after Hilde informed us that she saw Relena there with the White Fang. I was in constant fear that he might come to some accident, but mostly I feared that it would be too late for me. What if he falls in love with her during their trials?

That'll leave me to retiring into my dreams, for it will be only there where I shall continue to own him.

~~ I know you want to hear me speak  
But I'm afraid that if I start to  
I'll never stop ~~

The wars were over. Technically speaking, as of the moment, peace is temporarily restored until some new aspirers for world domination shall present themselves. 

Everyone went to their own separate ways. 

As far as I know, Duo and Hilde are planning to live together and settle on L2; Wufei with Sally Po; Relena took her late father's place as ambassador; Heero disappeared without a trace [after that teddy bear matter, in which Relena quite gloated when she told us]; and Quatre took on the cares of the Winner's fortune. 

You heard it right. He went back to his family estate, while I went back to my beloved little home: the circus.

Catherine was quite pleased when she heard that I shall be staying for good. The first day I went home, she fussed over me non-stop 'til I felt like a kitten with an obsessed cat-mother of a sister. Still, she was indignant when I said that I've broken up with *him*.

I didn't need to tell her it was Quatre; she seemed to get it pretty fast, and never asked any questions, except why. To which the only answer I ever gave was, "That's the way things turned out."

Quatre was extremely understanding that day, which explains why I was overwhelmed with guilt on the spot. In fact, before I was able to say it right out, he took the step further in his own way.

"Trowa, do what you must to make yourself happy. It's the only thing I could offer to you after causing too much pain in your life." The sight of his sea-green eyes wearing a mixture of love, sorrow, and the knowledge of a sacrifice done for the good of another, pierced me deeply. Yet I know as much as him, that we'll both never know any peace 'til we've released ourselves from any pretensions.

"Quatre, you've just restored my life," I told him, as I hugged him fiercely. "Thank you."

"No Trowa, I'm only returning it to you."

I don't know how others could hope and *delight* in having too many lovers, and yet refuse them all away, save except for one. It is one of the hardest things to do -- especially when you have to refuse someone who'd become your dearest friend.

~~ I cannot hold back   
The truth no more  
I let you wait too long ~~

Learning to forget Heero was one thing that I *couldn't* do. I decided to try and see if I could get through, as I thought he wouldn't have anything to do with me, ever since the day I made the decision that ended our relationship. Even though there were times I'd grill Duo for specific whereabouts and stuffs.

The circus will stay here in L2 for two weeks, and that gives me time to run and seek Duo out of his couch for help. For some reasons of her own, Catherine would pop at the most needed hours and throws me out of the circus grounds, saying that I'm not needed and the best I could do is to stay out of their affairs. Or at times, she'd drag Duo around to where I was feeding the lions and threaten him to stay with me and talk 'til she drags him out again. Which times Duo would only grunt and mutter about bossy old spinsters.

Now, Duo tells me that he has no idea where "my idiotic love-stricken best friend had gone to nurse his bleeding heart". That doesn't help, and if I only weren't convinced that he's not telling me half of what he knows, I would've tied him to the boards and let the novice performers practice on him as target for their knife tricks. 

It wasn't only 'til the last day of our stay at the colony, that the good-natured bouncing ball of energy directed his efforts to tell me that his "idiotic love-stricken best friend" was planning to accept Relena's offer [that girl!], because, "It's the way things will turn out." After shaking Heero's whereabouts from him, I left him with such haste that he yelled these words to reach me, "It's never too late. Show him what he never knew after the wars."

Oh shit! I *cannot*, *would not*, and certainly will *never* allow that to happen. I might have acted stupidly in the past, but it shall never happen again. I will *never* allow my one, true love to leave me now. Not ever.

Thanks to her amazing instincts, Catherine had finished all my tasks and was actually pushing me out of the trailer, even before I had time to tell her what I was planning. Never for words, I took her hands and kissed them fervently as a sign of deep gratitude. She laughed and pushed me in to my truck and bade me to drive carefully. 

All through the drive, I was shivering with anticipation at the thought of finally having him back with me -- that is, if I shall reach him in time. That made me "step on it".

~~ Although it's hard and scares me so   
A life without you scares me more ~~

I searched wildly through the crowd, keeping my eyes open and quick to see a certain head with tousled dark brown hair, and Prussian blue eyes. For a brief second, I was overcome with the thought that I might have been too late, if not for the voice that I remember so well. 

"Trowa."

I whirled around, and there to my utmost delight, was Heero, looking at me with a look that mirrored my own. "Heero," I whispered. "Duo told me you were going back to earth."

"I am."

That took me off-guard. I asked in an alarmed sort of way, "What for? You don't have to accept Relena's offer since you've got me now here with you."

He laughed. It struck me as something that I haven't seen for a long time. And one of those that I might never see again if I'd been a second too late. "May I ask what's funny, Yuy."

"You received the wrong facts this time, Barton."

I frowned. Then it hit me. "Duo." I said, as realization dawned on me. The generous soul tossed up a few well-patched stories to make me go and seek Heero with all the fierceness of a lover who learns that the love of his life might die out on the field. His work made me realize what I really want most in my life.

"Never mind him," Heero said softly, as he brushed the hair out of my face in his familiar sort of way: how could I ever forget such a gesture when he only does it to show his affections to the one he loves? "All it matters is that we've got each other now."

"We owe some gratitude to him," I whispered as he brushed his lips with mine. It was really hard to concentrate on what I intended to say when all the passion we've been storing for all these time has finally decided to come rushing down on us like a waterfall. "We ought to thank him."

"We will after we've settled ourselves on earth." He said, as he took my hand and led me to the spaceport. 

"What?"

"I *am* going back to earth," He said, while laying some importance on the word "am". "But I never planned on going alone." 

Smiling, I told him as I took his face in my hands, "I love you, Heero, even when I had amnesia. Do you believe me?"

He smiled back. "I've never stopped loving you." And sealed his words with a kiss which up to now, I'd only been dreaming of ever since the fateful day that my memory came back.

And which shall stay deep in me even when I shall suffer through one again.

~~ I want you to know  
You belong in my life  
I love the hope  
I see in your eyes  
For you I would fly  
At least I would try  
For you I'll take  
The last flight out. ~~ 
    
    End.
    
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   [1]: mailto:fall_yuy@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/agwloveaffair/



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